• Olly Grant

NFL Power Rankings, With a Twist


At this time in November any sports media outlet worth its salt has ranked each NFL team from one to thirty-two. The following is how I see the teams faring if they were comprised of their mascots instead of their actual players. The rules are as follows:

  1. All players from each team are replaced by the team’s nickname. Example: The Baltimore Ravens roster would be filled with ravens instead of football players.

  2. All athletes in this world have the ability to understand the nuances of football the same. (I have no interest in going over how well a horse can understand football.)

  3. Unclear nicknames will be interpreted by yours truly with no option to appeal.

With no further ado, here are the 2015 NFL Power Rankings.

1. The New York Jets

Jets fans -- even though you are still stuck with unstable management, 47 years without a Super Bowl and Geno Smith as your quarterback, you are at the top of this list. The reason for this boils down to one simple fact: nothing in its right mind would be willing to tackle a jet. As long as head coach Todd Bowles stops his RBs from stepping, or rather flying, out of bounds, his players should be able to break enough tackles, and opponents’ spines, to get to the end zone.

2. The New York Giants

The Big Apple continues its dominance on this list with the Giants. While their counterparts in the capital of the world can rely on their explosive run game, the Giants should dominate because of their defence and passing game. From the sheer height and length of the Giants, their pass defence would be dominant. Their defensive line would dominate as well because they'd simply make tackles from sideline to sideline, without needing to move their feet. The offence would just need to fall forward and they would rip off first downs.

3. The Chicago Bears

Here at The Times we have heard of sports players being referred to as beasts. We also do our best not to use the word literally when we mean it figuratively. In this case though, the Bears’ players would literally be beasts. If the Bears could avoid the holding calls that would stem from not being able to remove their claws from their opponents' flesh, their offence would be electric and their defence should be also.

T-4. Seattle Seahawks, Baltimore Ravens, Philadelphia Eagles

Flight is an advantage. If you are in the air and your opponent is on the ground you cannot be tackled. Unless you’re the Cardinals. Congratulations Arizona, you have picked a mascot that cannot hold a football. So, in this scenario you are worse than the real life Jets.

5. The New England Patriots

They have guns and they have been known to break the rules. In the end football is a game and we won’t expect our players to die over it.