How to Become Citadel's Next Co-President
It is around this time that grade elevens start deliberating over whether or not they plan on putting forward a bid for the Citadel co-presidency. There have been rumours circulating the offices of the Trollope Times asserting that current Promotions Committee executive Alex Oprea is considering running, as well as renowned fashionista and small business owner Jack Kelly, IB student Sarah Tanner, and Citadel mascot Sarah Roberts.
After conversing with officials high up in the Citadel High School Students’ Council, as well as aides very close to the incumbent co-presidents, I have gathered a myriad of information that will help candidates secure votes in each of the school’s electoral ridings.
Floor by Floor
To get the first floor Math vote, the candidate must immediately call an inquiry into the 16 missing graphing calculators and repeal Bill C-51, the controversial anti-fail bill which made it possible for students to redo tests if they received a score of 51% or lower. To appease the Second Languages department, the candidate must answer the department's request for a referendum regarding their sovereignty from the school.
The second floor vote is comprised mainly of library dwellers and poetry enthusiasts. Forming a team of specialists to remove the dried-up Hubba Bubba underneath the desks in the library and assigning the football team’s LBs to act as seminar-room bouncers to prevent noise-pollution are good first steps.
Citadel’s third floor is comprised mainly of philosophers and a surprisingly large group of physics aficionados. Measures to be put in place to secure their votes include legalizing the use of recreational chewing gum and erecting a solid gold, life-size statue of rumoured Mensa member and proable reincarnation of Isaac Newton, Michael Morris.
Harnessing the support of niche votes requires unique policies. For instance, the Environment Committee will support whoever introduces a cap-and-trade system on users at “The Line”. Also, students taking IB SL Economics this semester have requested an inquiry into the Students’ Council expense scandal of 2003.
The inhabitants of the cafeteria are looking for a leader who is an economically competent visionary. A policy that cuts the cost of a caf cookie from 60 cents to 40 cents would attract a wealth of voters, especially the Middle-Table and Cit-Puck ridings.
The teachers have a voice in the election too. Giving them the power to teach in the comfort of their own homes via Skype and boosting the Keurig per capita in the staff room would be a good start.
Grade by Grade
Grade tens, most likely still shaken by their entrance into high school, seek a leader that is able to guide and assist them. Asking the most intelligent 1% of students to tutor other students, specifically this demographic, would be a smart move and would surely secure votes.
A “Middle Grade Class-Cut” must be implemented in order to garner the grade 11 vote. This would entail increasing the amount of free blocks per school year from one to two.
Securing the grade 12 vote is a little harder. Of utmost importance is pledging to clear the British Bulldog playing grade 10s in the hallway in order to decrease traffic backup and lost productivity.
Many measures must be put into place to satisfy the needs and wants of Citadel’s diverse and demanding student body. However, although this would be an ambitious agenda, I believe it nonetheless can be done, and, furthermore, should be done.