• Ted Fraser

Trollope One-Timers' Fab Five Make it to Conference Finals, Controversially Ousted in Sudden Dea

On Wednesday and Thursday of this week, eight teams competed for the coveted Crystal Cup in Citadel’s annual floor hockey tournament. The Trollope Times, never a group short on confidence, put forward a star-studded lineup, featuring the likes of Ted Fraser, Max Fraser, Kyle Brickman, Oly Grant, and Peter Drohan.

However, from the get-go it was obvious that The Trollope One-Timers were the underdogs. Ted Fraser, the most handsome but least intimidating of the group, has played house hockey for the last three years. Max Fraser, a self-described “high energy player”, turned out to be invaluable and brought a wide and varying skill set that he had amassed over his storied house-hockey career. Kyle Brickman, labelled a freeloader by Times readers, recently came out of retirement and is in heated contract talks with the infamous Halifax Rockets of the MMHL, according to agent Mamadou Wade.

Oly Grant, the 7’2”, 300lb butterfly goalie, was a late addition to the team, but exceeded expectations, saving more shots than letting in. “Sweet Chili Pete” Drohan, a former Accel Hawk, utilized his controversial but effective strategy of psychological warfare, bringing numerous players, namely Citadel co-president Kevin Wright, to tears, simply by glaring at them with his lifeless all-white eyes.

The One-Timers first game was against the Ferris Beauty’s. Right away, there was controversy surrounding the distasteful tactics of the other team. The Beauty’s seemed to be taking an obvious jab at their opponents, apparently deliberately spelling their team name incorrectly to rattle the grammar-conscious team of editors.

However, The One-Timers seemed preoccupied with the ostensible logarithmic function in the stick’s plastic curve. Indeed, the team crafted it into a recognizable linear function that would help them dominate the opposition.

In the first game, the One-Timers proved too much for the opposition, crushing the Beauty's 2-0 in a game that many analysts have described as a modern day "Miracle on Ice".

The two goals were scored by Pete Drohan and Ted Fraser, the former going bar-south from half court and the latter expertly placing a roller between the unsuspecting goalie's legs.

The Ferris Beauty's -- a team comprised of second-string JV boys soccer striker Cameron Mackinnon, failed QB Jack Campbell, Toby Gerard, Haley Glazebrook, and rumoured-to-be corrupt co-president, Kevin Wright -- seemed to be overconfident heading in, with shaky stay-at-home defenseman Jack Campbell reportedly stating before the game that he was an "all-star" and Mackinnon declaring he had a "higher average than all of [those ] IB kids combined."

The next day, the One-Timers would face their fiercest competition of the tournament, going up against a stacked lineup that included talented rookies from the hockey team as well as fierce competitor and possible psychopath, Tommy Tzac. The One-Timers came into the game practicing a strategy of containment, trying desperately to prevent enemy expansion into their defensive zone.

Late in the game, with a score of 2-1 for the Cit-Puck Rooks, Drohan received a penalty shot. There were reports from fans after the game that Drohan had bribed referee Kevin Wright, but the evidence proved to be inconclusive. But in an act of unfathomable disrespect, forward Tommy Tzac poke checked the puck after Drohan broke the goalie's ankles but before he could slip it into the net for a goal. Nonetheless, it was scored a good goal by Wright, citing interference.

Regulation time ended in a 3-3 tie, with emotions running high and the One Timers looking like the favourites going into sudden death overtime. The 2-on-2 format allowed Drohan to thrive, channelling all of his bottled-up hatred and anger into a remarkable athletic effort, his crude yet effective running style described by onlookers as that of "a wounded gazelle fleeing imminent death ".

Fraser continued to use his unorthodox strategy of clearing the ball into the crowd in order to kill the clock, which enraged spectators, namely Teddy Kinley, who had to be physically restrained and eventually removed from the gymnasium.

Sadly, the game ended with a disputed call (or lack thereof), with Tommy Tzac violently grabbing Drohan's stick from him and lobbing it, javelin style, to the other side of the court, only to go pick up the ball and send it down the floor to teammate Ian Drysdale. This allowed Drysdale to go top corner on unsuspecting net minder Oly Grant.

Tournament MVP Kyle Brickman refused to accept the award, citing that he wanted to make "a political statement" regarding "the unjust treatment" of his team. Oly Grant is currently engaged in heated negotiations with the HRSB about replacing the goalie mask, after so vigorously sweating through the previous mask that it disintegrated into pure dust.

Although a disappointing conclusion, The Trollope One-Timers performed well throughout. The team's experience in the tournament was a rollercoaster of emotions, going from an unparalleled high after their big win to an unspeakable low after their devastating loss. Ultimately, they did lose the Crystal Cup, but they accomplished what they set out to do: dangle, snipe, and celly.