• Ted Fraser

If Donald Trump Ran to Become Citadel's Next Co-President


School presidential elections: traditionally, a week of laid-back “campaigning” (bribing prospective voters by passing out Skittles) with about as much competition as a Tuesday night beer-league game. However, this year’s co-presidential election at Citadel High School has taken an alternate route. An aggressive, distracting, orange beam of light has outshone the others. His name is Donald Trump and he may well become one of Citadel’s next co-presidents.

In an unprecedentedly large co-presidential election, there are 20 other candidates, although his biggest competition is immediately apparent: an anti-establishment, far right-wing candidate with ambitions to reinstate Christianity Studies as a mandatory class, and a self-labelled socialist that intends to redistribute the amount of free blocks and to rid campaign donations from school clubs and sports teams. Right away, young Donald must differentiate himself from the largely homogenous pack. Trump, who transferred from Sacred Heart last year, is fortunate enough to come from a wealthy family and intends to self-finance his entire campaign. Trump’s personal situation is unusual to say the least: despite being in grade eleven, he has a much younger girlfriend in grade nine. His trademark orange hair has been derided but also admired by many, garnering such ingenious insults as Donald Weasley.

His first press release – through a far-right, underground school paper (requests made for exposure through the Trollope Times were hastily declined) – details his controversial foreign policy; he plans to implement a temporary ban on all students trying to transfer from CPA, the West and Sir John A. The Global committee at Citadel criticizes Trump’s foreign policy, while the incumbent co-presidents denounce the move as divisive and irrational.

Mr. Trump’s second move is equally as disturbing, pledging to build a 40-foot barbed wire fence around Citadel’s perimeter, in order to prevent the non-existent influx of what he describes as illegal aliens. The Astronomy 12 class is outraged at the inappropriate use of “aliens” while the Woodshop 11 and IB Physics HL 12 classes team up to determine if Trump’s proposal is even structurally possible. Where he will get the permission and funds for this policy is also unclear. However, Mr. Trump asserts that he will make the neighbouring Bengal Lancers Equestrian Association pay for the wall.

Mr. Trump also claims he will introduce a "Man-Bun Ban" and sever relations with Auburn after the school announced they would resume research into improving their controversial football program.

A theory proposed by the editorial board of the Trollope Times asserts that the main reason for Trump’s popularity is the widespread angst consuming the student body. Indeed, test scores are, on average, the lowest they have ever been in Citadel’s nine-year history. Even worse, tutor-debt has skyrocketed and Cit-Puck is not having the season they had hoped for, leaving fans frustrated and apathetic at school. The price of a pita in the Caf has quadrupled over the past two months, making it a luxury only the wealthiest students can afford. Many have turned to the free, school-issued 2% milk, with an extensive black market being formed around it and students trading everything from mechanical pencils to history textbooks in order to survive.

Infighting between the governing body of the school – “Students’ Council” – has become much more frequent, with the Promotions Committee and the Finance executives clashing almost daily around trivial issues, inhibiting any kind of progress. It is this uniquely unfortunate context that has helped the facilitate the rise of young Donald.

He placed second in the Room 109 caucus two weeks ago and won, quite decisively, the Room 316 caucus. However, these classes are essentially isolated from the rest of the school and aren’t really indicative of the widespread public sentiment. Indeed, Sociology 12 pollsters indicate his popularity is hovering around 30% schoolwide.

Only time will tell if Mr. Trump is able to accomplish his goal of becoming Citadel's next co-president and right now it seems more likely than not.