• Patrick Fraser

“The hardest trophy to win in all of sports” Citadel High School’s Crystal Cup Tournament overcomes

After many long months of anticipation, Citadel’s annual floor hockey tournament, the Crystal Cup, was held in late February.

In many ways the tournament was a referendum on Manderville’s performance on Athletics. Andrew Parkhill, disgraced applicant for the position, is rumoured to be waiting to oust Manderville in a coup d’état at the next meeting, was a referee at the event. He was reportedly sabotaging the Crystal Cup so it would reflect poorly on his superior. Many players complained of deflated orange hockey balls, being spied on during warm ups, among others.

Following a series of delays due to Ben Weatherston’s refusal to use a regulation-sized plastic stick, the play got underway. The most anticipated game was that of the Crack Manz versus the Jedi Council, two teams made up of CitPuck regulars. However, this created a beef between the groups, a rift some commentators have compared to the Sino-Soviet split in terms of its ramifications. The Jedi were led by the likes of Times readers’ favourite Andrew “Drysy” Drysdale, Ry-in Simpson, Glennn Homez (Jr.), heart throb Samuel Legere, Marly Gallivan, Annika Nobbe, Phillip Cassault, rookie sensation Ben Allison, Stew Bagnell, and Mark “Stonewall” MacArthur. The Crack Manz had noted stud Li Brickman, Erik Monroe, Bailey Reilly, Ben Weatherston, Dylan MacDonald, and others.

Homez made repeated attempts to score on the Crack Manz, carrying the ball up the floor while shouting that he was Yoda and possessed the “skills of a Jedi Master”. The climax of the game, though, was when Simpson crushed Monroe with a massive bodycheck, with the former losing his hat in the process and the latter collapsing on the ground in a heap. Simpson was then unjustly thrown from the game for “unsportsmanlike conduct”, which he vehemently protested, mumbling incoherently about Milo Yiannopoulos as he went off.

Although losing in the round robin to the Manz, the Jedi won the wildcard position (under suspicious circumstances) and consequently faced the Manz for a second time in the finals. In the tilt, the Jedi, aided by Allison’s last minute goal, won 5-4 over their opponents. After a heated handshake between Brickman and MacArthur which left many spectators scarred for life, the Crystal Cup was awarded to the Jedi Council in a tear jerking ceremony.

After the tournament, which was a massive success for Manderville, the Jedi have announced their intentions to defend their title by playing in the 2019 Crystal Cup.

(DISCLAIMER: No egos were hurt in the making of this article.)